I am convinced the baby is a boy. I don't know why. (Husband asked if it was a mother's intuition. It's not that.) I am a little too practical to believe that you can sense what sex the baby is. The baby's gender is solidified immediately at conception. Had Husband and I chosen to do genetic testing on all our little frozen embryos, we could have chosen the sex. (It does make me curious to see how many are boys and how many are girls.) I think of the child as a he and have begun imagining pastel blues and greens in the future.
This evening I started thoroughly researching baby supplies. I decided to look at Amazon and Target specifically for registries to start planning what to buy. When I logged into Amazon and clicked on the "baby registry" button, an unfinished registry popped up and memories came flooding back. When I was pregnant the first time, I started a baby registry on Amazon. I was excited and threw caution to the wind, starting to determine the safest and cutest items. No matter how much time passes, I will always remember the miscarriages and fertility treatments. (Hey, the rest of my time as a child-bearing aged woman will be filled with fertility treatments.) Yesterday I commented to Husband that our marriage could be divided into these sections: The time I wanted to conceive, the era of miscarriages, infertility, IUIs & IVF, and viable pregnancy.
I went through multitude emotions as I saw the unfinished registry and finally ended on hope. Occasionally I think about what would happen if I lost this baby. That thought runs through my mind less and less frequently and I am surrounded by the best supporters. Twice my husband has panicked because he forgot about an unusual event in my schedule and he could not get in contact with me. This past week, I was driving up to carpool with a friend to a dinner/craft night. The usual 15 minute drive took me 45 minutes due to a freak pumpkin accident on the freeway. My phone must have been on silent because she tried calling several times. She called someone else to see if they had Husband's phone number. She finally started to look up Husband's work number as I pulled up. I had been cramping the day before and she was getting worried.
I love my support system.
24 September, 2016
19 September, 2016
Eleven Weeks Five Days
I have an app that shows how big the baby is every day. It gives the approximate length and weight. I love looking at it every day, sometimes jumping ahead to holidays or my birthday to see how big the baby will be. The baby today is around 2 inches and 0.3 ounces. (I cannot picture something that is two inches long, but only three tenths of an inch.)
The app also gives the approximate size in terms of fruit. That part, I do not like as much. This is my baby growing, not something I will devour. In terms of fruit, I have something the size of a lime growing inside. (The fruit also bugs me because I have seen huge limes and tiny limes. Use something that doesn't vary in size.)
Last week was the first time we met with the OB. He gave me a quick physical and then gave us three more pictures of the baby via my first standard ultrasound (over the abdomen). It was amazing to see the baby wiggling and squirming. The most we have seen the baby move is just his/her heart and his/her feet. We could even see the baby's fingers moving. It was amazing.
Even though the baby is getting bigger, this was the worst quality ultrasound we have had. It was even worse than the first ultrasound when the baby looked like a lima bean. I get that the fertility clinic needs to have higher quality ultrasounds because they do intricate things and need to see better qualities, but it is slightly disappointing to think that the rest of the pictures of the baby (until April) will be fuzzy and low quality.
In terms of the OB, I thought he was fine. He was slightly distracted, but I thought that he easily could have been on call the previous night or birthing a dozen babies. Husband, on the other hand, did not like the OB. I made him promise to not form a formal opinion until we had met with him one more time.
The next appointment is not for four and a half weeks. It is the appointment I think Husband is most looking forward to. We will find out the sex of the baby on October 20. It's exciting!
The app also gives the approximate size in terms of fruit. That part, I do not like as much. This is my baby growing, not something I will devour. In terms of fruit, I have something the size of a lime growing inside. (The fruit also bugs me because I have seen huge limes and tiny limes. Use something that doesn't vary in size.)
Last week was the first time we met with the OB. He gave me a quick physical and then gave us three more pictures of the baby via my first standard ultrasound (over the abdomen). It was amazing to see the baby wiggling and squirming. The most we have seen the baby move is just his/her heart and his/her feet. We could even see the baby's fingers moving. It was amazing.
Even though the baby is getting bigger, this was the worst quality ultrasound we have had. It was even worse than the first ultrasound when the baby looked like a lima bean. I get that the fertility clinic needs to have higher quality ultrasounds because they do intricate things and need to see better qualities, but it is slightly disappointing to think that the rest of the pictures of the baby (until April) will be fuzzy and low quality.
In terms of the OB, I thought he was fine. He was slightly distracted, but I thought that he easily could have been on call the previous night or birthing a dozen babies. Husband, on the other hand, did not like the OB. I made him promise to not form a formal opinion until we had met with him one more time.
The next appointment is not for four and a half weeks. It is the appointment I think Husband is most looking forward to. We will find out the sex of the baby on October 20. It's exciting!
10 September, 2016
Ten Weeks Three Days
It's official. I am a graduate of my fertility clinic. For now.
I went in for my final appointment last Thursday after school. The time was late and there was only one other person in the waiting room. After waiting for a minute, the lady at the front desk called over to me stating that she did not see me in her schedule. My heart skipped a beat. During school, I had the worst day and the thought of seeing my baby was one of the main things that got me through the day.
They figured out the mistake and brought me back. I could not wait.
During this ultrasound, I was not as stricken with puppy love looking at the baby so I was able to ask more astute questions and remember a greater part of the conversation. The baby looked great and we were able to see the remnants of the egg sack. The technician even showed us the blood flow from the placenta to the baby. The most amazing part of the appointment? We saw the baby's heart beat (along with hearing it again) and we saw him or her kicking! It was the most incredible thing. I fell in love all over again.
After examining the baby, she scanned around the uterus. I was slightly impatient. If that wand is going to be up me, I would like to see something interesting. Well, she found something interesting. I was bleeding above the uterus. The technician said that this happens in 20% of early pregnancies. She was not worried, but gave me some precautions. I was put on pelvic rest, told not to lift more than 10-15 pounds, and to take it easy. She said that there would be no worries unless I started to bleed. She did take me off the baby aspirin a few weeks earlier than was planned. I still have to be extra careful because I am on heparin though.
When we finished the scan and I was handed my three pictures (we're up to six pictures of the baby on the fridge now and all nine weeks or younger). Then, the most touching thing happened. I knew that I would be handed my large stack of paperwork, but thought it would be unceremoniously on the way out the door after grabbing a dum-dum for the last time. Instead, we were handed a card signed by all the staff at the clinic to offer their congratulations. We were also directed toward a beautiful tree and told to sign and date it. It was their graduation tree. I had walked past that section of the clinic over a dozen times and never noticed it before. We were told that once we had the baby, we should bring him or her back and write our offspring's name along with the birth date by our names.
It was a touching moment.
I felt tears in my eyes the entire time, but let them spill out once we reached the car. That clinic did so much for us for so many months. I am sure we will return again someday, but I will have a little darling at that point, hoping for a sibling.
On Wednesday, I went to my new OB's office for the first time. I only went to fill out paperwork and give them all my medical information. I was handed a bag of free samples (and told there was a sample room I could help myself to anytime). All the staff I interacted with were extremely pleasant and I am excited to meet my doctor on Tuesday. I had five vials of blood drawn. The phlebotomist was impressed with how quickly I was filling the vials. I guess there are a few pros to taking a heavy blood thinner. (Maybe just that one.)
I went in for my final appointment last Thursday after school. The time was late and there was only one other person in the waiting room. After waiting for a minute, the lady at the front desk called over to me stating that she did not see me in her schedule. My heart skipped a beat. During school, I had the worst day and the thought of seeing my baby was one of the main things that got me through the day.
They figured out the mistake and brought me back. I could not wait.
During this ultrasound, I was not as stricken with puppy love looking at the baby so I was able to ask more astute questions and remember a greater part of the conversation. The baby looked great and we were able to see the remnants of the egg sack. The technician even showed us the blood flow from the placenta to the baby. The most amazing part of the appointment? We saw the baby's heart beat (along with hearing it again) and we saw him or her kicking! It was the most incredible thing. I fell in love all over again.
After examining the baby, she scanned around the uterus. I was slightly impatient. If that wand is going to be up me, I would like to see something interesting. Well, she found something interesting. I was bleeding above the uterus. The technician said that this happens in 20% of early pregnancies. She was not worried, but gave me some precautions. I was put on pelvic rest, told not to lift more than 10-15 pounds, and to take it easy. She said that there would be no worries unless I started to bleed. She did take me off the baby aspirin a few weeks earlier than was planned. I still have to be extra careful because I am on heparin though.
When we finished the scan and I was handed my three pictures (we're up to six pictures of the baby on the fridge now and all nine weeks or younger). Then, the most touching thing happened. I knew that I would be handed my large stack of paperwork, but thought it would be unceremoniously on the way out the door after grabbing a dum-dum for the last time. Instead, we were handed a card signed by all the staff at the clinic to offer their congratulations. We were also directed toward a beautiful tree and told to sign and date it. It was their graduation tree. I had walked past that section of the clinic over a dozen times and never noticed it before. We were told that once we had the baby, we should bring him or her back and write our offspring's name along with the birth date by our names.
It was a touching moment.
I felt tears in my eyes the entire time, but let them spill out once we reached the car. That clinic did so much for us for so many months. I am sure we will return again someday, but I will have a little darling at that point, hoping for a sibling.
On Wednesday, I went to my new OB's office for the first time. I only went to fill out paperwork and give them all my medical information. I was handed a bag of free samples (and told there was a sample room I could help myself to anytime). All the staff I interacted with were extremely pleasant and I am excited to meet my doctor on Tuesday. I had five vials of blood drawn. The phlebotomist was impressed with how quickly I was filling the vials. I guess there are a few pros to taking a heavy blood thinner. (Maybe just that one.)
27 August, 2016
8 Weeks 3 Days
In five days, I will graduate from my fertility clinic.
I have mixed feelings about that.
I loved my clinic. They have been a picture of support and knowledge. The staff know me well and we have easy conversations whenever I go in for a visit. It will be a bittersweet visit on Thursday. I cannot wait to see my little one's heartbeat again and be engaged enough to ask a myriad of questions instead of being dumbstruck at hearing the noise coming from inside myself. Sadly, my regular endocrinologist will be out of town for our last visit, but as a consolation, I will get to see my favorite nurse.
This past week was my first week of school. I thankfully rarely feel queasy, but instead experience continual aversions to all foods except fruit. Fruit always sounds good. I miraculously seldom felt complete exhaustion until Thursday evening came around. By 7:00, I was in the middle of an accidental, solid thirty minute nap. Upon waking, I quickly went to bed. This year, the students have more energy than in previous years, but I will have a fun time with the kids.
I received my first refill of heparin this afternoon. I was slightly worried because we placed the order on Wednesday and ran out this morning. The pharmacist did not have the drug restocked and called around to other pharmacies for us. After while, he realized he did have some heparin, it was just in individual dose containers as opposed to vials that have four doses in them. We also briefly chatted about needles and he threw in a handful of insulin needles free of charge for us to try out to see if I like them any better. Husband asked what the cost of the heparin would be without insurance coverage. $200 a month. Not that this child isn't worth it, but I am glad we do not have to spend $2000 on heparin for the pregnancy.
After the pain, grief, and hassle of getting to this point in my pregnancy, I would gladly take a dozen shots a day, but taking two is irritating (literally and figuratively). On the day I had back to school night, I showed off my bruised stomach to my two coworkers. (One of them did not believe that it was bad enough to make me stop wearing pants. I only wear knit skirts these days.) Let me just tell you that they both were shocked by how black and blue I am. Some weeks are worse than others. I think husband and I are improving our shot techniques, but I am sure the injection sites will always show some color and be tender to the touch.
I will go to my (new) regular OB on the 7th, but it is just for bloodwork and paperwork. (I was tempted to tell the nice older lady on the phone that I have done just about every type of blood work possible for a pregnancy and couldn't I just transfer the information over?) I get to meet the actual OB on the 13th, so I will have an appointment a week for the next three weeks.
I have mixed feelings about that.
I loved my clinic. They have been a picture of support and knowledge. The staff know me well and we have easy conversations whenever I go in for a visit. It will be a bittersweet visit on Thursday. I cannot wait to see my little one's heartbeat again and be engaged enough to ask a myriad of questions instead of being dumbstruck at hearing the noise coming from inside myself. Sadly, my regular endocrinologist will be out of town for our last visit, but as a consolation, I will get to see my favorite nurse.
This past week was my first week of school. I thankfully rarely feel queasy, but instead experience continual aversions to all foods except fruit. Fruit always sounds good. I miraculously seldom felt complete exhaustion until Thursday evening came around. By 7:00, I was in the middle of an accidental, solid thirty minute nap. Upon waking, I quickly went to bed. This year, the students have more energy than in previous years, but I will have a fun time with the kids.
I received my first refill of heparin this afternoon. I was slightly worried because we placed the order on Wednesday and ran out this morning. The pharmacist did not have the drug restocked and called around to other pharmacies for us. After while, he realized he did have some heparin, it was just in individual dose containers as opposed to vials that have four doses in them. We also briefly chatted about needles and he threw in a handful of insulin needles free of charge for us to try out to see if I like them any better. Husband asked what the cost of the heparin would be without insurance coverage. $200 a month. Not that this child isn't worth it, but I am glad we do not have to spend $2000 on heparin for the pregnancy.
After the pain, grief, and hassle of getting to this point in my pregnancy, I would gladly take a dozen shots a day, but taking two is irritating (literally and figuratively). On the day I had back to school night, I showed off my bruised stomach to my two coworkers. (One of them did not believe that it was bad enough to make me stop wearing pants. I only wear knit skirts these days.) Let me just tell you that they both were shocked by how black and blue I am. Some weeks are worse than others. I think husband and I are improving our shot techniques, but I am sure the injection sites will always show some color and be tender to the touch.
I will go to my (new) regular OB on the 7th, but it is just for bloodwork and paperwork. (I was tempted to tell the nice older lady on the phone that I have done just about every type of blood work possible for a pregnancy and couldn't I just transfer the information over?) I get to meet the actual OB on the 13th, so I will have an appointment a week for the next three weeks.
17 August, 2016
And the Results are In
Let's backtrack slightly. The week after I had my first blood draw, I went in for the second blood draw. I was not as nervous for that blood draw. Because my first hcg level was so high, I was not concerned with a chemical pregnancy, but a woman can miscarry extremely easily during the first few weeks of being pregnant. The second hcg level came back at 13,268. That meant that my numbers were doubling approximately every 36 hours. Doctors like to see doubling happening at every 48 hours (or faster). They scheduled my ultrasound, told me to keep taking the drugs, and sent me on my way.
Today I had an appointment that I was more terrified for than any other appointment. I went in to hopefully see the heartbeat of my healthy offspring. This was a monumental appointment for a major reason.
Reason: I've never seen a live baby on an ultrasound.
Reason: I've never seen a live baby on an ultrasound.
The anticipation for today brought me feelings of fear and excitement. I know that blood tests of all types can be incorrect. The first time I was pregnant, my hcg levels were over 150,000 when I started to miscarry. That was not a fun experience.
I had meetings all morning until the appointment. One of my coworkers was extremely kind and carried my heavy boxes for me. I fidgeted madly until the hour I could sneak away from the meeting to rush out to my car.
During the drive to the clinic, I was literally shaking and almost started to cry. In the back of my mind, I was imagining the worst news possible. I wanted to live in the ignorant optimism of pretending I was pregnant instead of receiving bad news.
After waiting for what seemed like four hours, I was finally taken back and got ready for the ultrasound.
One of the adorable ultrasound technicians came in and got straight to the point. (I am sure she knew I did not want anything else. Show me my baby! I don't want to do smalltalk.) She put the wand in the proper location and we saw a gray blur! We saw our alien baby. The baby is still technically an embryo and I know it is tiny (probably around 1/4 inch), but it was the most beautiful blur I have ever seen. I was excited to see my baby, but I was even more excited for what came next.
"Hold your breath and let's listen to that heartbeat."
That was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. (It was a day filled with several "most beautiful" moments.) The baby's heart is beating at 137 beats per minute. From what I have read, the chance of miscarriage goes down to approximately 5-7% if you hear the heartbeat at seven weeks. I have never heard the heartbeat of my offspring before. (The technician asked if we wanted a baby that has red, curly hair. I thought that was a great idea.)
What's the plan now? I will go in in two more weeks for my final appointment. They will give me my fat folder of medical information and I will go to a regular old ob the next week. I felt great relief as soon as we scheduled our final appointment at the fertility clinic (for this pregnancy). I cannot believe that I will be done with them on September 1. It's a miracle. If husband and I did not have the help of science, we probably would never be able to conceive a viable baby. Don't you just love science?
I love that the technician labeled the baby. I really hope some women go in expecting to see a miniature baby shape.
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