The littlest things set me off. I get angry when something hits my foot, my toddler whines, or I receive unsolicited advice. That's not me. I am supposed to be slow to anger, someone who can brush off almost anything. I should be ignoring the dropped blocks; laughing inside that my little girl both wants me to hold her, but doesn't want me to touch her; and privately rolling my eyes when I hear, "Well, I did this and if you did it also..."
I do not want to be around people because I am afraid they will irritate me.
I sound terrible, don't I?
This is the curse of birth control on my body. I need to be on birth control right now because they need to control the thickness of my lining so I can provide a nice, comfy, hopefully permanent resting spot for my little embryo. They need to make sure I am at the right place in my cycle before my next frozen baby finds a home inside me and I am officially pregnant for at least two weeks.
The first time I was on birth control was immediately before I was married, over eight years ago. I was a hormonal wreck. One of my older brothers went to rebuke me for a snarky comment I had made and I burst into tears. My husband remembers cutting sarcasm flowing from my mouth. That round of birth control lasted for a few short months.
The next time I was on birth control was three years ago. I was undergoing IVF for the first time. I honestly cannot remember what my emotions were like.
I started birth control just over five weeks ago. After two days of normalcy, I did not put two and two together when the whole world got infinitely more irritating. Was everyone trying to bug me on purpose?
As we came up for a breather during the placebo pills, the colors outside were brighter, my brain was not fuzzy anymore, and everyone was just so pleasant to be around again. Once more, I did not make a connection. My brave husband pulled me aside one evening.
"You know, you are so wonderful and happy and fun to be around right now. Last week, however, you were not great." He kindly told me that I basically was nitpicking everything and getting upset over minuscule things that should not bother a normal human.
So now, I am counting down. I only have fifteen days left on the pill. I have fully accepted my quick to anger attitude. There have been a small handful of people I have confessed this to over the past week and it has felt very relieving when I say it.
"Here's a big fault I have right now. Sorry!"
I have been trying to take it easy during the day with my baby best friend and surrounding myself with very loving and forgiving friends. Last night, I was with some friends. The vibe was super positive and I was teaching them a skill which did wonders for my need to teach. They are such amazing people and I was on cloud nine the rest of the evening.
Here is hoping this round of IVF works out even just so I do not have to go back on birth control in a few months.
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