The Waiting Game

The pregnancy blood test is officially this week. I will go in Thursday morning to get stabbed for the lab work. I feel...
Numb. I believe that is the most honest, most correct way to paraphrase how I feel this month. I feel slight anxiety and dread and fear, but most of my emotions are numbed. How many months now have I been through with negatives or a positive that turned into a devastating miscarriage?
Husband and I are planning a trip this summer. A trip to end all trips to Wales and a long drive through Scotland and London and then Vienna and Budapest. I will love it and cherish those memories forever, but I would trade it all in a heartbeat for a little one. The planning of the trip is slightly painful. Two years ago hubby and I planned a backpacking trip around continental Europe, excited because we were in the beginning stages of trying. "It's our last huzzah!" we said to each other.
This time we do have better odds. Husband's sperm count is more than triple what it was. Last month we were working with 2.5 million and this month we had a whopping approximate 10 million. Last month's count was a joke.
In the end, I don't know what will happen. I'm hopeful, but experience now dictates that I remain a pessimist and doubtful.
Here's to the lovely two week wait that is nearly over for me, for this month.