IUI #2: failure

Well, the call came in at around 2:30.
You can tell with the tone in their voice and the sight hesitation as they speak. You know it's going to be bad news.
This month it is affecting me much more than last month. The knowledge that another month has come and gone with nothing. It makes me wonder how many more months I can continue.

The Waiting Game

The pregnancy blood test is officially this week. I will go in Thursday morning to get stabbed for the lab work. I feel...
Numb. I believe that is the most honest, most correct way to paraphrase how I feel this month. I feel slight anxiety and dread and fear, but most of my emotions are numbed. How many months now have I been through with negatives or a positive that turned into a devastating miscarriage?
Husband and I are planning a trip this summer. A trip to end all trips to Wales and a long drive through Scotland and London and then Vienna and Budapest. I will love it and cherish those memories forever, but I would trade it all in a heartbeat for a little one. The planning of the trip is slightly painful. Two years ago hubby and I planned a backpacking trip around continental Europe, excited because we were in the beginning stages of trying. "It's our last huzzah!" we said to each other.
This time we do have better odds. Husband's sperm count is more than triple what it was. Last month we were working with 2.5 million and this month we had a whopping approximate 10 million. Last month's count was a joke.
In the end, I don't know what will happen. I'm hopeful, but experience now dictates that I remain a pessimist and doubtful.
Here's to the lovely two week wait that is nearly over for me, for this month.

IUI number two

I went in on Thursday for my second IUI. It was a breeze compared to the first one. It was also the first time husband and I drove to the clinic in one car! Normally I have work when the appointment has ended and he has to hustle up to school.
The waiting room was sparsely filled with other patients and we settled down on a loveseat as we waited for my name to be called.
We talk about all sorts of things in the waiting room. Maybe we talk to appear normal. It's normal to be in the waiting room of a fertility doctor. We need to put on the facade just like everyone else.
You see all types of people at the doctor. I've seen plenty of mother/daughter duos. I know if my mother was alive and healthy, she'd be there whenever I wanted her to be. You see the sad women. You see the first timers with their huge packet of papers. You see moms that already have children. I wonder how they feel. Do they hurt any less than I do because they already have little ones to love?
Every time the door opens, I sit up slightly in anticipation. The more the door opens and other women's names are called, the less attention is paid by me.
On Thursday we waited around fifteen minutes. I heard my name called and we were ushered into our procedural room. I whispered to my husband that I hoped my favorite nurse would do the procedure. I've seen several nurses, but she's the one we have seen the most. She waves to me when we see each other across the clinic. Of course she did not walk I the door when we heard the courtesy knock.
She used a different catheter than last time and it only took a couple minutes from start to finish.
The progesterone this time is causing lots of emotions. Mostly negative ones. I hope the two week wait goes by faster until the next blood draw on the 21.

Hcg trigger shot

This morning I was supposed to inject myself with hcg hormone in my stomach.
I meticulously prepped the fluid and triple checked to make sure there were no bubbles in the container.
And then...I couldn't do it. I knew it wouldn't hurt. After having my blood drawn over 20 times in the past year, I was past any thought of pain from the needle. It was the idea of inflicting harm upon myself.
I thought back to an experience I had as a teen. I managed to step on a toothpick and gouge it quite a ways into my foot. I was never able to remove it. No. It's not still in my foot. I made my brother pull it out.
After thirty minutes of trying to psych myself up and counting down and the distraction of Sia and MJ crooning into my ear (not together), I begged my husband to be a man and stab me.
He got it done in less than ten seconds.
Bless him.
Neither one of us knew if he'd be able to; he gets squeamish around blood and needles and the likes.
Now I have an appointment for tomorrow for IUI number two to hopefully work.

Second IUI

Current news:
Today was my fourth appointment at the fertility clinic in a week. I took Clomid starting on Wednesday for five days. Today they said my largest follicle was 16 mm. They think it will naturally get as big as we want by Wednesday so I get to do my first hcg shot Wednesday morning to simulate the ovulation. The cute nurse showed me how to do it, but I wish my husband would have been there to help take mental notes.
The first IUI took a long time. Hopefully we'll be good enough so that it won't take 45 minutes to eventually get the catheter in to inject the sperm.